A Heart That Works

Who’d seen Henry’s type of tumor before. They were calm, purposeful. We were disorientated, and in shock. Note: In chaos lean on the calm and experienced

One day, Leah and I were both home at the same time with the big boys, Leah’s parents, and my mom. We were all shaken and red-eyed. At one point, I started crying, and Leah came over to comfort me. Then Richard put his arms around both of us and said, through his own tears, “I wish it was me instead of Henry.” “We do, too, Richard,” I said, and everyone laughed.

It was clear to us that, as bad as it was, it could have been worse.

Just before moving the few floors to the new ward, we went to a weekly meeting of parents of the kids who were receiving treatment and living there. It was awful. One mother dominated the meeting, complaining about the hospital’s food. That wouldn’t affect us, since Henry didn’t eat food.

I remember asking Henry’s lead oncologist if it was okay for us to take him to a local park somewhat early in his chemo treatment. He said something along the lines of, “You better take him to a park!” To which we said, “But isn’t his immune system quite weak?” “Indeed it is, but he’ll enjoy the park and that’s very important.”

As far as my relationship to any sort of deity, I take a page from Graham Greene’s The End of the Affair, specifically the last page, where a grieving Maurice Bendrix states after the death of his love, Sarah, “I hate you, God. I hate you as though you existed.”

Whenever someone tells me they’re expecting their first baby and they’re nervous, I tell them the following: “Oh my goodness, that’s wonderful. I am so happy for you. Listen, of course you’re nervous but here’s the deal: you’re ready for all the bad stuff. You’ve been very tired before. You’ve been in pain before. You’ve been worried about money before. You’ve felt like an incapable moron before. So you’ll be fine with the difficult parts! You’re already a pro. What you’re NOT ready for is the wonderful parts. NOTHING can prepare you for how amazing this will be. There is no practice for that. There is no warm-up version. You are about to know joy that will blow your fucking mind apart. Happiness before this? HA HA. Mystery? LOL. Wonder? Fuck off! You are about to see something magical and new that you have no map for! None! This is it. Are you ready for that? Are you? No! No, you’re not!